Being A Mommy to Leo

Dear Leo,

Forgive me. I have not had time to write about you. This is because you are now over 4 months old. Where do I start? Motherhood has been joyful and exciting coupled with fear and anxiety! There is so much I still do not know, so much I want to know, and a lot of things I am still afraid to know. The google search bar has both had the power to motivate me and terrify me at the same time. And the guilt...no one explained to me what mommy guilt was! The guilt for not having laundry done. Guilt for probably making you a clingy baby. Guilt for eating only boxed mac n cheese for the past few days. Guilt for not measuring up to the cute mommies on instagram who share pictures of their gourmet meals...oh and did I mention they already have 4 kids?! And worst of all, the guilt of having to go back to work. I just do not want to miss any moments with you at all.

But what overpowers the anxious feelings is your ability to make me smile each and every day...even on our tough days after I have tried to let you "cry it out" (which lasts no longer than 5 minutes before I scoop you into my arms and snuggle with you.) These moments teach me something new every day. And the most important thing I have learned is true love and complete selflessness. The joy you bring me is worth every second of frustration that you cause during your high demand moments.

You are amazing. You are changing so much every day and I have enjoyed every second that I spend with you. I grieve that you are growing so fast all while taking pride in knowing that I housed you in my belly for 9 months and got to be the only person to share that experience with you. I want you to know that I will do my best to capture every smile, laugh, coo, word, crawl, first steps, and more. I want you to know that I am doing my best and so far we have made a pretty good team.


I wish I were a perfect mommy to you, but I am not. I cannot promise you that I will be perfect on this journey with you. But I can promise you that I will always love you. You are my everything.

Love always,

Mommy

You were 6 lb 10 oz of pure perfection!

You're growing so fast. You look like your Daddy more than me, but you got your colored eyes from Mommy's side of the family. I think you got my mouth, too. <3

You talk now, you laugh, and you are always giggling at your brother Vinny.

I'll See You Soon!

Dear Leo,

Sometimes it seems as if the past 9 months have flown by, and at other times, it seems like I have been waiting eternity for you to arrive. The closer we are to meeting you, the longer the days seem. 

Part of me wants you to stay right where you are, safe in my belly, despite the sciatica, diabetes, mood swings, and other aches you've given me. I think about how warm and comfortable you are and question whether or not I can raise you appropriately in a world that is so full of heartache, violence, and pain.

The other part of me can't wait to hold you as soon as you arrive to tell you how safe I will keep you and that I'll do my best to be a good mom to you so that you can experience all of the lovely, magnificent parts of the world. You are the missing puzzle piece in my life right now. It's funny how humans can aimlessly get through each day while feeling confused about what their purpose is, then suddenly one moment can change that. I never would have thought that you would be my main purpose. Just ask your mawmaw how many times I told her I don't ever want kids. But as soon as I found about about you, I instantly knew that I was meant to be your mommy. You're going to be like a little experiment for me, but we can get through it together, along with your daddy (I can't wait to see him change a diaper). 

The doctors said that you'll most likely be born Easter weekend! That is only 2 weeks away. I am sure your daddy and I are forgetting something...there is a lot to think about, like what to pack in a hospital bag, and what you'll need once you're home, but it will all come together. I am hoping that you decide to come on your own without the doctors having to jumpstart things...but you have been quite the stubborn little boy so far (you take after your mommy!) and it seems like you can't decide when you want to arrive. Regardless, I'll be here waiting. Can't wait to kiss you.

Love,

Mommy

Your room is ready for you! 

You're 36 weeks along now, but mommy hasn't had energy to take the 36 week bump pic yet.

Your older fur brother has already been acting jealous. I hope he falls in love with you when he meets you! We'll have to have a chat about being gentle with him when you're older. 

Bags are packed!

You can be anything you want to be. 

The Countdown Is On!

Dear Leo,

The past few weeks have been pretty eventful! Mama is so ready for you to be here because you're pretty tough on her. Not only do you give me a lot of scary contractions, but my body can't keep up with feeding you the right amount of food either. Because of this, we go to the doctor twice a week just to make sure you are growing okay. You're perfect so far!

Dad and I have been working hard to make sure you are comfortable when you arrive. Your room is almost finished. Dad has been hard at work putting things together for you, and I have a feeling that will be a primary role of his for years to come.

A lot of friends and family love you already! We were showered with gifts. There are only a few more important things we need before you get here. I don't think Daddy and I will ever be completely prepared, but we are ready for the adventure.

I want you to take your time, but I can't wait to hold you in my arms. When I feel your kicks and punches in my belly, I am reminded of how lucky I am that you're becoming a larger part of my life each and every day. Just a few more weeks, baby boy.

I'll see you soon, my little man.

Love,

Mom

Your mawmaw, Aunt Kiki, and Aunt Stacy worked hard to make sure you had a perfect shower day!

Little Leo cupcakes and cookies

My "push present" for when you are on your way. It has your initials on it.

You make mama feel huge!

 I am always feeling my you in my belly.

 Your perfect profile

Did I mention you have more hair than any other baby that the ultrasound tech has seen? It sticks straight up!

We Can't Wait To Meet You!

Wow! So much has happened since my first post on here. I feel like I haven't had time to write anything about peapod. Preparing for him (yes, it's a boy!) has been a whirlwind of craziness, on top of trying to keep up with teaching.

First big news: Peapod is a boy! Had I been secretly hoping for a girl? Yes. But when baby boy showed up on the monitor during the sonogram, I fell in love. He is just absolutely perfect.

Second big news: We agreed on a name. It was difficult coming up with a good one that hasn't been ruined by students (let's be honest, teachers...sometimes kids can "ruin" a name). Peapod's name is now Leo Charles. I have always loved Leo because of Leo Tolstoy and Charles is a strong family name. Trevor and I had a few ideas in mind for names, but as soon as we saw peapod during the ultrasound, he looked like a Leo. It's funny how that works.

I haven't gotten a baby journal yet, so I am going to post my thoughts to Leo here.

Dear Leo,

You are 25 weeks along today and I can't wait to meet you! Words cannot express the love I have for you already. It is amazing to feel you wiggle around in my belly, and you already have your own ornery little personality. You have your nights and days mixed up. You like to jump on Mommy's bladder. You would not cooperate with the sonogram technician so that she could measure you. Whenever I poke at you, you poke right back. We play this game a lot. You will fit into the family perfectly.

Daddy felt your big kicks for the first time the other day. The name Leo is associated with strength, and you sure do have that going for you. Your movements were strong weeks ago, which is funny since you are still so little.

Your dad loves you so much already, too. He even shops for you! Hopefully you like the same teams Daddy does, because he has been looking at football gear for you.

Mawmaw and Pawpaw have been working hard on making sure your room is perfect for you.  I know you won't appreciate it until you're older, but some of the furniture in your room was made by your great grandpa for your mawmaw when she was younger. The entire family is so ready for you to be here. Your cousin Stephen will finally have a boy to play with and to teach things to.

The months have flown by already. Only 3.5 more until I get to look you in your eyes and snuggle. I love you.

Mommy

                        We do not know who you will look like yet, but we have fun guessing.

                                The first thing you did when we saw you was give us a big yawn.

 This is your daddy's favorite picture of you so far, hiding your face. You move around so much, you were wearing the umbilical cord as a scarf.

Everyone thinks your feet look big. Your daddy and I don't have good feet. Sorry.

Surprise!

A lot has happened in the past year. I got a new job in a district closer to home (no more hour long commute) and have been coaching the 7th and 8th grade cheer squad. But, the most important (and exciting) thing that has happened so far is being surprised that peapod is on the way (we don't know if it's a boy or girl yet, so peapod it is until we share name ideas).

When school started in August, I expected to be exhausted with all of the back to school meetings and preparation, but I had never felt *this* tired at the beginning of the school year. I had been so busy that I didn't think about the possibility of expecting peapod. You can imagine how surprised Trevor and I were when the 10 tests I took were positive. And let me tell you this: I am convinced that the toughest job in the world is being a pregnant teacher of 8th graders. Let's just say I fit in perfectly because we have the same amount of mood swings.

Although it wasn't really planned, we couldn't have planned it better. With a due date of April 16th, I'll be able to take the last 6 weeks off of school (give me ALL the snow days) and spend the entire summer with the little peapod of joy. And, like my mom has always said, there is never going to be a good time to start a family; you've just got to go with it.

So far I am feeling overwhelmed, scared, anxious, ecstatic and pretty much all of the emotions rolled into one big belly that I am starting to form, but I cannot express how supportive and excited everyone else has been. Whenever I start crying at the most random things in the world like awful Nicholas Sparks movies on the lifetime channel (except for the Notebook because Ryan Gosling), or the fact that I can see my belly button while lying on my back and omg will I fit into the maid of honor dress for my sister's wedding?!, my friends and family are there to make me laugh. Plus, all of my weird pregnancy questions can be answered with a simple phone call to the most fertile woman on earth (just kidding, love ya Stace).

I wanted to document all of the peapod happenings because the advice I have been receiving from everyone is this: "It flies by, so enjoy it!" I've also been receiving some other logical but frightening advice like "Just remember, once you have the baby, it gets a little bit better every day." ...I am trying not to think of that, and more about all of the cuddles and snuggles of baby when it gets here. QUIT SCARING ME, YOU GUYS. The beginning of the 5th month is already here, so it has passed by in a whirlwind already. I also wanted a place to post all of the pictures of peapod when he/she gets here so family members can visit when they need a peapod fix.

In the meantime, I am going to post photos of the gifts the peapod has received so far from family and friends. I will hopefully have some nursery pictures soon once we get started on that. I'll spare the the breast pads that peapod's grandma bought me as a "gift." ...you're welcome.

The first thing I bought for peapod because who can resist baby socks?

                                   Trevor's little quilt that we can hang in peapod's room.

One of my good educator pals sent me a copy of his daughter's favorite read and a little peapod toy.